Thursday, October 1, 2009
Dick Joke Redemption
My post yesterday was serious, and for that I am deeply sorry. I feel a post without infantile (or at the pinnacle of my abilities-juvenile) humor is a betrayal of my audience. Four emails from yesterday said the post was either awesome/sad/happy/boring. You want dick jokes (or their equivalent), and I WILL DELIVER!
1. The problem with male anatomy is that is doesn't fit aesthetically with the rest of the human body. You know there is no such thing as Intelligent Design because God is into Feng Shui and is not that bad of an exterior designer (it totally messes with my Tao!). As I learned in spandex this weekend, where does it go? IT IS AN IMPORTANT QUESTION! And like Einstein in the patent office, I had an epiphany. Penis packaging. It'll be like a kangaroo pouch on the inside of your pants. Your junk, once an extremity of inconvenience that brought indecision (right side, or left side?), will now be more secure than a baby marsupial. Call the ShamWow guy, because I'm about to be a millionaire.
2. While running today (Workout: 5x5min intense during 1hr30min trainer, followed by transition into 16:21 5k--feel amazing), a mom pushing her child in a stroller in Riverside Park said, "You have a great body." That is the second day in a row that my spare frame has moved a woman to exclamation. I don't know what to think. Maybe my life is like the Truman Show, and they are just plants to make my runs more interesting. If that's true, I apologize to the terrible things I did to that stuffed animal when I was 11. I was going through puberty, and the teddy bear deserved to be treated better. Sorry Ms. Bear, no amount of counseling can make that right. (Just kidding, obviously. She came on to me with that coy smile, and it was totally consensual :)
3. Feeling invested enough in a situation to be hurt is actually very refreshing. While venting to a really close friend last night, I realized I am pretty much a Vulcan that doesn't feel any emotions; but instead of my baseline being governed by logic, the default setting is happiness. Sometimes it is cool to embrace sadness, or anger, just to feel the gamut of emotions inherent in being alive. Instead of "Live long and prosper," I am usually set on, "This is totally awesome!" So getting the chance to vent is catharctic. In that vein, here is some quick spiritual cleansing, "What the fuck!? I understand having fun, and enjoying life. But why blatantly lie, or at least purposely mislead, for no real fucking reason. Why is it necessary to seek out conflict, or human drama? It is the emotional equivalent of cutting yourself, not because you enjoy pain, but because you think that blood is a pretty color." Ahhhhhh, that was nice. For me, it was like yoga. I don't feel that way at all, but it is fun to act like I feel negative emotions.
On a more important note, ladies...the Dreamcrusher is free and on the prowl. Middle-aged women seem to think I'm hot (at least while running)! My blond, flowing hair will lightly caress your neck as we embrace! My pecs glisten with the dew of the new morning, and my thighs cause quiverings within the coldest, most neglected hearts! Oh wait.....I'm thinking of Fabio. Ummmmmmm, I invented penis packaging! My stuffed animal said I'm a gentle and caring lover! Call me.
Yes, fatties too. I'm desperate.