The Fine Art of Public Urination

As endurance athletes, we are constantly contemplative--it comes with the territory. We spend countless hours alone with our thoughts, and what comes out of this? Is it profound conceptualization that will change the world, or developing a plan to attack our next work project? No, in fact the answer is perhaps much more instinctive and primal...mostly we just think about how much we have to pee. You see, water powers our performance. With this great power comes great responsibility--Where to drop trough and water the tulips? Pee, after all, is high in nutrient rich urea and should not go to waste. Today while running, I went with a cornfield. Emerging from the rows of corn, I was reminded of Field of Dreams. "If you build it, they will piss on it while wearing spandex." New York City provides more difficulties, for some reason the NYPD frowns upon spraying sidewalks. For this, we turn to the discreet method. Near a car or other edifice that is slightly concealed, go to one knee and feign shoe-tieing/tire-checking. No one will look twice as a pool forms beneath you. Note: NEVER PEE UP A SLOPE! Disclaimer: Do not attempt if female.

AM: 10 miles with farlek efforts
PM: 30 min super easy

Outstanding runs today! It's so awesome to be injury free and running well. Today was chilly so there was very little chance of dehydration, which is fun after exercising in a radiator shaft for the last couple weeks. Threw in a couple untimed faster sections during this morning's run, dropping some sub 4:30 min/mile paces for a minute or two. Quality run tomorrow, taking the P2SL to poundtown on Wednesday, and Knights of Columbus 10k on Saturday. 500 bucks for first, so I think it might be worth the time of anyone reading to go mafia-style with a crowbar to knees on any Kenyans that show up. Or I might beat them fair and square. I WANT TO BELIEVE!

Eating for Recovery as a Gluten-Free Athlete

"I love the smell of whey protein in the morning. It smells like...victory." Whey isn't napalm, but just as the mere invention of a flamethrower proves that 'some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, you know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done,' whey proves that sometime, somewhere, someone needed to recover, but was not close enough to a slaughtered chicken. Post-workout, it is important to refuel glycogen stores with easily digestible carbs and rebuild muscles with protein. Hydration should always be a first priority, but a great, gluten-free solution to the recovery problem is 12 ounces of soymilk mixed with a heaping scoop of Optimum Natural Whey (chocolate), ground flaxseed, a banana. Then throw in something salty and tasty like potato chips/salted almonds (or whatever you crave), and you get 600 calories and 40 grams of protein. An awesome way to get super fat as well if you're trying to be a sumo-wrestler. I am huge in Japan.

AM: 2 hr ride with 1hr threshold w/transition into 3mi easy + 4 strides
PM: 5 mi easy-moderate

Lucky enough to ride with the elder Roche today, and he is really rocking! And at an age when most people are only doing that in chairs (just kidding). We did a 25 mile rolling course in under in hour with him doing a lion's share of the work. I did some 30+ mph pulls with the wind near the end and dropped his ass like a bad habit. Yes, I am THAT sandbagging son of a bitch. Anyway, he is doing so well and I am really proud of him. However, his crazy homeless-person afro-type hair is certainly not aero.

The Honking Conundrum

AM: 12 miles moderate with 2x1mi at 5:10
PM: 5 miles moderate

So while running in rural MD today, I came upon a moral dilemma. I was 'honked' four times by passing cars, and it was difficult to know whether I should respond with my own unique type of outrage (that is, bottling up the pain deep inside) or a smile and wave at what was surely secret admirers of my physique (humor me please!). During the run, I was able to develop a conjecture on the projected emotions motivating the honk. If it is a black F150 pick up, they probably think I have been infected with the Gay (like swine flu, but deadlier and more contagious). If it is a red sportscar, then they are probably turned on like a blast furnace at the sight (don't crush my dreams by arguing this point!). And if it is a red F150 pickup, it is a little bit of both.

Anyway, great runs today! It is so much fun to get out there with no outside pressures to simply enjoy the act of striving towards a goal. I think that applies to any pursuit, successful people enjoy the PROCESS. That is not trying to say I'm a successful person, unless fantasy baseball league champion counts as an epic achievement of the human spirit (hint: IT DOES!). The miles at the end of the run felt effortless, and it will be interesting to see how the conditioning transfers to training in New York City next week. At least in NYC, people just call a runner 'fag' instead of making us wax poetic about car honks.

Wilmington Blue Rocks 5k Race Report

Summary: 1st overall/312 finishers
Wednesday: AM-30 min easy PM-Race
Thursday: 15 miles moderate

How come when I try to do my pantented finish line smile, it always ends up looking like an overweight, creepy guy with short shorts and a maniacal grin? (patent application: 'my smile enters an entirely unique dimension of awkwardness') I hope there were no pretty girls watching, because my witty banter can only go so far after a display like that.

Onto the race...IT WAS HOT! Along the Wilmington Riverfront the humidity wafts off the river at 6:30 as if you were racing in a sauna. And it was good that a short warm-up was all that was necessary because I arrived 10 minutes before race time due to traffic on 95 (I-95 signs should just be gigantic middle fingers). Chewed on some Mesa Sunrise gluten free cereal a few hours before race time, but was still a little hungry at the start. HUNGRY FOR A WIN! That was lame. Anyway, a strong-looking field showed up and I decided to start SLOWWWW to get in a tempo-level effort in order to get in a good training day on Thursday (and avoid the dreaded STROKE FACE). The gun sounded, and you could tell who was from Philadelphia because they all ducked for cover while the rest of us took off.

About 12 guys went off the front and I was content to caress the pavement softly behind. After whispering a few sweet nothings to the blacktop, I accelerated slightly to the lead group of 5 and took the pace setting. We went through mile 1 in 5:10 as the course turned southward along the Wilmington Boardwalk. The group was whittled down to 2 others as we passed all of the restaurants with outdoor seating on the water. I yelled, "Have a great dinner" at a group of beautiful women (at least with my sweat googles on, like beer goggles but without the asshole comments). We passed mile 2 at the same pace, and I decided to open up the stride a bit and make a decisive move. Got a lead that I was able to hold rather comfortably to the finish at homeplate of the stadium (A garmin had the distance at 3.23) All in all, a relaxing race without a high-heart rate effort that was great for my confidence moving forward to Duathlon Worlds.

And I was interviewed for TV with the women's winner, Kelly Horowitz. She was very pretty and didn't sweat at all, so I'm sure the Beast (me, if you were wondering) haunted the dreams of Delaware's children. Freddy Kruger ain't got nothin on me!

Shorty just text me, say she want to sex me. LOL smiley face

I was driving home from a the Wilmington Blue Rocks 5k today, and those lyrics just spoke to me. You know, sometimes it takes a rap song to put into words an abstract representation of the daily struggle that we face. I mean, at the race today, sure I got a few girls numbers. And sure they texted saying they wanted to have intercourse, but how do I know they are serious? LOL Smiley face indeed.

So the race went great...listened to the advice given by Jack Daniels and ran the first 2/3 with my head and the last 1/3 with my heart. This is the first time I have listened to something influenced by Jack Daniels and not ended up with a piercing headache, a black eye, and soul-searing levels of regret. Anyway, was able to win over a field of ~400 and was interviewed for TV! Bad jokes moving to primetime! Details will be posted tomorrow, but if thousands of women faint from excitement in the Delaware area tonight, you'll know who did it. I'm just glad my phone number wasn't put out there, because then shorties be texting me, and you know where that leads. LOL smiley face.

Running, I Can't Quit You

MON AM: 2 hr even intensity ride w/transition into 4 miles super easy + strides
PM: 35 min super easy
TUE AM: 1 hr easy

I feel as if I'm going through a horrible break-up with my Cervelo. We used to be inseperable--we would be together intimately for hours at a time as I tickled her pedals with love. Plenty of lubricant would be involved. You know, like any healthy relationship. As a P2SL, she had prettier big sisters (P3 and P4-the Sports Illustrated swimsuit model of bikes), but my girl had heart! And cosmetic surgery in the form of a new crankset with amplifications in size. Upgrading from a 50 compact to a 54 TT ring was a lot like a boob job. Yes, the compact was perfectly servicable...but it just wasn't doing it for me. To take the metaphor one step further, I guess being in a run focus is kind of like switching sexual orientation. I don't know if more running in this conceit makes me gay, but I'm certainly firmly Bi at this point. In fact, I'll go ahead and say it---I'm GAY FOR RUNNING. Get used to it.

Anyway, my dad was able to ride with me on Monday and I was content to suck wheel for a couple hours as he did tempo. All of the geezers are up for a suprise at worlds--he is incredibly strong right now. And this is on the piece of crap Felt S32! If my Cervelo is the pretty girl that works down the street, the Felt is the cheap hooker that dresses up in flourescent red on the street corner. All of the runs felt outstanding. This sounds weird, but athletic performance (at whatever level you perform) can be life-affirming more than just about anything other than love. It's like that scene in Titanic after they meet. "I'm the king of the world!" For some reason, people think it is weird when I do that with my bike.

Strangefood: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Anything Without Gluten

"This isn't a place for wheat, this is the dining room!" That line almost sounds as paradoxical as the iconic quote from Dr.Strangelove, and that is because gluten is in absolutely everything. Finding out I was a celiac was not a pleasant experience, but it involves bowel movements so it is my responsibility as a guy to tell the story! At a 10k last Christmas, I ran well for the win over a pretty good field (including fellow celiac Desiree Ficker). On the way home, extreme stomach pain began to creep up. Whatever, I thought, this happens to all runners. That is actually what I thought whenever this happened! So I stopped at a McDonalds (or as I like to call them public bathrooms). The squeamish should skip the next sentence. Blood was everywhere.

As the pain became progressively worse, I went to the hospital where painkillers and a diagnosis awaited. My entire life I had felt symptoms and never knew about gluten-intolerance; persistent flatulation (and not the good, make your friends laugh kind), skin rashes, etc... A celiac diagnosis as an athlete, runner, or cyclist is certainly hard. Whatever sacrifices were made though, avoiding gluten completely changed my life for the better.

I was a vegetarian before I was a Celiac, so my food options were certainly limited. Over time, I've phased in a piece of salmon a week, so I guess calling me a vegetarian at this point is like calling Birthers sentient human beings. Before that though, I had to learn a completely new way of eating. I lost weight that I could not afford to lose, dropping as low as 132 (now at 146). The sequence of epic fails at the beginning of this season stem from my own ignorance. Slowly, my strength came back after shifting the mastication paradigm towards Optimum Natural Whey Protein, Nature's Path Gluten-Free cereals, Organic Food Bars, eggs, and nuts. Masticating all day saved my athletic season! (And they said I would go blind...)

A helpful website was MarksDailyApple.com. Mark Sisson, a former marathoner and elite triathlete, espouses a "Primal" way of life based on evolutionary biology (basically, live like a caveman without the saber-toothed tiger attacks). Gluten is a no-no, as are most carbohydrates, so it fell in line with my new eating style. On top of that, it's very anti-inflammatory which has been huge in aiding day-to-day recovery. I also added Optygen and a multi-vitamin to combat iron deficiencies that plagued me before. One problem that I ran into is extremely low sodium. Avoiding processed foods (for the most part) resulted in an intake as low as 300mg a day (or about a bite of a McDonalds hamburger). Blood pressure is luckily not an issue for me (100/65 with 32 resting HR). Pickles to the rescue!

Below is a typical day. Some companies like Optimum Nutrition, Nature's Path, Organic Food Bar, Larabar, and Amy's put out awesome foods that are gluten-free.

Breakfast: Cereal (Mesa Sunrise and Peanut Butter Panda Puffs-yeah, I'm straight gangsta like that) with Silk Soymilk, Natural whey protein and a banana. Also a pickle for sodium and coffee.
AM Training Session
Lunch: Natural Whey Protein and Flaxseed drink, Potato Chips, Veggies
Snack: Organic Food Bar Protein (22 g and delicious!)
PM Training Session
Dinner: Eggs with veggies and other tasty stuff, sometimes Salmon, Fruit Salad, Beans, Dark Chocolate, and Soy Ice Cream

Jog Hard

AM: 14 miles at about 6:30 pace
PM: 4 miles super easy

So with all these running miles it's probably a good time to talk about my newfound training philosophy. However, what I am about to divulge is a secret and complex...here it is: RUN LOTS! At the Scar Top Mountain 12k trail race in Colorado, I felt fast yet still finished third behind two superior runners by about a minute. Like always, I google-stalked the competition after the race and came across the blog of the winner, titled joghard (joghard.blogspot.com). Basically, his training philosophy amounts to keeping his heart rate low while running progressively faster over time (heard something similar referred to as the Maffetone Method in the past). He is the guy above wearing a cowboy hat. Yes he beat me wearing the hat. It was the biggest win for a Cowboy since Tony Romo landed Jessica Simpson. Anyway, I've been blog-stalking him since, and have used his general training principles as a template for increased milage. After I returned from a back injury a month ago, a change was needed. I had the talent to run a sub-16 5k on 20 focused miles a week, but I wanted to be more than a good duathlon runner. Having started running a year and a half ago, and with a good base from real sports as a kid, jogging hard became a new mantra to avoid injury and log some miles. In retrospect, my endurance was akin to Rush Limbaugh's logic; circumspect, weak, and influenced by a crapload of illegal prescription pills (actually, that one just applies to Rush and Alberto Contador).

Great runs today! It is so much fun to get out there on a beautiful day. All around me was the smell of success...or maybe it was just the copious amounts of manure along the road where I usually run. Ah, Eastern Shore of Maryland. Quenching my ofactory thirst for poop since 1991.

Larry Noel 12k Race Report

AM: Larry Noel 12k (2nd place overall)
PM: 35 min super easy run

Summary:
Woke up to claps of thunder and bolts of lightning from on high...foreboding for sure. Someone, or something, didn't want me to race. Other great figures in history have faced similar obstacles--Odysseus, Amelia Earhardt, Frodo. Luckily, I avoided the fate of the aviator (abducted by aliens in the Bermuda Triangle), and had a 12k race much closer to the hobbit. Achieved my goal of staying in control to simulate the Duathlon Worlds 10km (2:40 behind first-an Olympic Trials runner at 10k), and earned a cool 50 bucks for the effort. Not quite on the level of saving Middle Earth, so Frodo better have gotten at least $100 for destroying the ring.

Pre-Race:
After a 4:40 alarm, got up, downed coffee, and had the usual breakfast of water mixed with whey protein, a banana, and gluten-free cereal. It is way more delicious than it sounds (nutrition post soon about eating as a gluten-free runner/cyclist). Drove through the aforementioned thunderstorms to the race site in Greenbelt, MD. If Maryland is like a Monopoly board, Greenbelt is Water Works. In other words, this place kinda sucks in a nondescript way, but at least I didn't land on GO TO JAIL. That would be Baltimore. Anyway, signed up, did 15 min easy jogging, and pooped in the woods. Yep, I'm classy like that.

Race:
AND WE'RE OFF! The race was a hilly 12km so I wanted to conserve as much as possible. Before I was diagnosed Celiac, longer races often brought on terrible stomach pain and a little Fear always toes the line alongside me because of it. If a little Fear ran the race as well, it probably did the first mile a lot faster than me. Jordan Snyder, an awesome guy I know as a terrific duathlon runner, had the Devil's instrument (a Garmin) so we chit-chatted at about 5:30 pace while about 12 runners shot off the front. The course started up a climb, and by the turnaround it was time to leave the Watch From Which There Is No Hiding (Fuck Garmins) and try to catch the Usains off the front. Queen's soundtrack for the next few k was "Another One bites the Dust" as I crushed the dreams of a few frontrunners. Onto more rolling terrain around 5k, I had moved into fourth. The cylist in me used the little chain ring on the uphills (one of those compact 34s that are made for small children), and I would yoyo away from the leaders on the ups. By the turnaround at 6km, it was clear that one athlete had lost his ticket to the worlds in Berlin cause he was issuing a beat down on the field (I found out later this was Jeff Gaudett, an amazing, humble dude and Pro runner). Negative splits were the goal and by 9k I was able to move into second. From there, a decisive move gave me a 40 second lead on third and closed down some of the gap to first. Second place. If a tie is like kissing your sister, than second is like kissing a house pet. Beastiality is worse than incest, right? Pucker up Scruffy!

Training in Split-Pea Soup---Maryland in August

Thursday: 1 hr bike with 4x15" sprints
30 min run with 4x200m strides

Friday: 45 min easy run


While watching the Weather Channel this morning (TWC to the cool kids), the pretty blond said it would be soupy today. She was right. Laced up the Brooks racers, headed out the door, and felt like I was swimming through gumbo during the short run. Then again, I pray for days like this during the winter so it might be best to count my blessings. As the philosophers in Animal House said, THANK YOU SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER! (Spank)

Anyway, on Thursday did the dreaded bike ride during a run focus. To say my legs felt like wet noodles is an insult to the structural integrity of wet noodles. It was fun to get out there though, and the sprints would have surely put me in contention for victory in a crit (for 5 year olds on training wheels).

I overheated a little on the run today, which sucks because it was just prep for a race tomorrow. I was sweating like Larry Craig in a men's bathroom. That joke is more overused than Ted Kennedy's liver. Okay, I'll stop. So I'm looking at either the Larry Noel 12k in Greenbelt or a 5k in Newark, DE tomorrow. $75 for first in the 12k, and daddy needs a new pair of shoes. Literally, my trainers are falling apart. 12km is a little far for me, but it is good prep for Duathlon Worlds.

2009 Lums Pond Duathlon Race Report-1st Overall

Summary: 1st/137 (37 sec. margin)

WOOO HOOOO! Back to racing in the east. Actually, I'm not that excited about being back in MD. The weather has ranged from armpit to blast furnace in the last week. But everybody races in the same conditions and I'm happy with how I performed coming down from Boulder. It felt like Lance Armstrong level doses of EPO were coursing through my veins on the runs. Back to school in NYC soon, so it's time to enjoy not actively developing black lung during every workout for 2 more weeks.

Pre-Race:
It's not often that I get to race a duathlon on the scenic delmarva peninsula (Look! A COW!), so it's nice to wake up a little later in my own bed. The race was a last-second decision so I was a little tight waking up, but nothing a couple cups of coffee couldn't solve. Then again, a couple of cups of coffee could create world peace and master cold fusion. Anyway, surely enough ended up getting to race site 20 min before the gun--just enough time to pump up the Blackwell's, set up transition, and get a 10 min jog. AND WE'RE OFF!

First Run:
The first run at Lums Pond is "2 miles" just like global warming is a "left-wing conspiracy" and Slumdog Millionaire was a "good movie." In other words, to even suggest it is ridiculous. A guy in compression socks took off super-fast, and the whole group followed suit across the grass. I forced myself to go slower than I wanted for the first minute, but then I saw the compression socks up the road and knew that guy meant business (or wanted to race in a pair of his wife's stockings-I don't judge). I ran with a guy I later found out runs at Delaware and entered transition in third in 9:45. This was the first time I entered T1 out of the lead in awhile. ALL HAIL THE POWER OF THE SOX!

Bike:
My bike was nowhere to be found! OH NOES! I ran around like the proverbial guiloteened chicken until a good samaratin looked at my number and told me I was in the wrong row. A quick dive under the racks revealed my folly, and as I was leaving I swore the kind woman to secrecy. TO THE GRAVE! (T1:54 sec) By the time we left the park I was first on the road (are compression socks not aero?) and figured it would be that way for awhile. All of a sudden, a jacked up guy with tattoos came rolling by (Erik Retinger-a very strong cyclist and nice guy with a sub-55 40km). He looked like he should be on a Harley, and he rode like he was. Repassed, and got blown by a couple minutes later. "Okay," I thought, "just Tempo the rest." The course is all flat (19.5 miles), and I was happy to take the P2SL to poundtown for 45 mins. About 10 miles in, another racer passed? WTF!? I must suck. Tried to repass, and got called words that implied an incestuous relationship with my mother. There was another rider and I was pulling into his line! In fact, it was a group of 7, including people I have beat by up to 10 minutes in the past year. I couldn't ride away, so I just dropped back 100 ft and watched their surging, slowing, and pussy-footing with incredulity from a safe distance. They slowed dramatically after catching me, and I was happy to turn it into a glorified water-break before the run. TIME: 47:29

Second Run:
Entered transition well back of the group ride ahead. Had a quick change into the LunaRacers, and was off. Passed most of the group with a few choice comments for the most egregious drafters, and finally passed 2nd on the road (Michael Hamberger-a great guy who did not draft). All that was left was Retinger. It was time to introduce the world to STROKE FACE-called such because the second run is not about form or pace but extreme effort that causes facial contortions resembling partial paralysis (THIS IS HEALTHY, RIGHT?). Sportography has extensive archival evidence of STROKE FACE. Erik was about a minute up, but I was running well (almost felt like I was falling forward down a hill...weird) and caught him by the turnaround. The given run distances at these races are like a woman givng her age, AKA completely meaningless. I want the race organizers to do my "measurements" for a porn career (stardome here I come!). Anyway, pulled away for the race, showing off the STROKE FACE the whole way. I severely doubt future Mrs.Roche was in the finishing chute, unless she is blind. Run time: 15:04 (first out of all tri and du times)

Total time: 1:13:46
Results here: http://www.piranha-sports.com/Results/ResultsAllSplits.aspx?RaceID=172

Another Clear Example of Liberal Bias against Dining Room Tables

Dining Room Table/Palin in 2012. You heard it here first.

"Her Adam's Apple is bigger than my penis"

-slowtwitch comment on women's 800m World Champion Caster Semenya

Her last name is also the results of close inspection of Monica Lewinsky's dress:

"Semen? YA!"

I'll be here all night, tip your waiters.

Long Run Day!

AM: 2hr 5min run
PM: 30 min super easy

So it appears that I've made my first blogging day totally epic. Maybe I'm punishing myself out of guilt for thinking I'm cool enough for a duathlon blog. Well at least there is material!

Did the Lums Pond Duathlon on Sunday (race report to come) and have been dragging a little bit since. Rested up yesterday and got ready for about 6:30-7 min/mile pace for as long as I could withstand the boredom of the Eastern Shore. Saw two confederate flags...those people should be euthanized. The Liberal Death Panels need to get on that. Anyway, wore the Brooks flats to strengthen the feet and felt good pretty much the whole way. Included a mile at around Du race pace (5:16) near the end. My stomach did a few cartwheels about an hour after the run and I can't think of any gluteny (glutenish?) foods I ate so I'll chalk it up to the need to sack up. The stomach pain turned my saddlebag of courage into a man purse of sorrow.

First Time for Everything

Hi! Figured it was time to jump on the blogging train. And like a hobo hitching a ride, I'll try to stay on until I get thrown off by the authorities. There is some pretty crazy shit on the internet, so I doubt anybody will care too much about my ramblings.

Basically, the blog will be a discussion of training for duathlon (running and biking), racing, and whatever else my audience might want to read (HI MOM!). The Duathlon World Championships are coming up on September 26 (10k-40k-5k) and I'm moving back to NYC before Labor Day for my senior year at Columbia. Hopefully there will be training updates almost every day, random posts of funny things online, and occasional updates about eating as a celiac (gluten-free) athlete.

All are welcome, and to prove the point (and generate traffic):

MEGAN FOX NAKED

This blog will be nothing if not classy and tasteful.