Sometimes I am invited to events. Now, I know what you are saying..."David, unchain me from the radiator!" While I appreciate the sentiment, I feel as if your failure to cite legal precedent is fatal to your claim. In fact, I am pretty sure the post-Reconstruction Supreme Court made it legal to chain people to radiators if they drank at the wrong water fountain. So while you are over there, let's talk about some event invitations!:
1. Event: Contra Dancing
In the tradition of dances that even the most melanin-deficient cannot screw up by thinking that thing with the hips is a good idea comes contra dancing. Basically, a banjo and a mando play music while you dance with randos. In a perfect world, those random people are not horrible at using rhyme as a rhetorical device.
Reasoning: Anytime you combine bluegrass-style music with swing/line-dance moves, then add some home-brewed alcohol and copious amounts of just-consumed pulled pork, the potential for life-affirming awkwardness gets me every time. I CAN’T BE DEAD IF I’M THIS UNCOMFORTABLE!
My partner and I demonstrated such time-honored and restraining order-inducing moves as the “take-a-peek”, when we held hands with another couple and proceeded to nearly clothesline them as we took a long stare at their butts. In a turn of events that was TOTALLY NOT deliberate, we were lucky enough to be paired with the elderly farmer/wife combo who owned the barn. Our good fortune is now burned onto my retinas in a way that cannot be undone. Let’s put it this way--Cosmo’s “Down on the Farm” issue will likely have a comprehensive plowing-based glute workout in addition to the mandatory 27 sexy tips to please your Ram.
|The nuclear option of barn parties.|
|Hoeing--The world’s oldest profession, or the world’s best way to a sexy stomach?|
2. Event: Speed Dating
“Hey girl, what’s your sign??? Scorpio?? That’s strange, I’ve never seen that one. Mine is probably SLOW! Children at Play.
"Joey, do you like movies about gladiators? I am going to call you Joey, because I really like baby kangaroos. I mean, REALLY LIKE. Their livers taste wonderful with fava beans and a nice chianti, you know? Speaking of chianti, would you like a sip of this Orange-tini? I know it’s still full, but I got it just for you. You should drink it. Really, you should. DO NOT DISRESPECT THE SCOURGE OF SCURVY. Wait, why are you leaving?? I have plenty of hard candy! Oh well, you’re no better than all the other girls.....you are slightly less blurry though."
(bell sounds, next date approaches)
“Do you know where I can buy a new pair of binoculars?”
Reasoning: Speed dating is creepy.
Anyway, life is pretty interesting in North Carolina. I am even going to a jazz concert on Thursday! I AM SO CULTURED, YOU SHOULD CALL ME YOGURT. Seriously, call me yogurt. The radiator won't turn itself off. On the running front, 60 miles over the last 4 days, including a 21 miler on Saturday. Saturday was also Duke's Parents Weekend. I think my agressive shirtlessness horrified the more conservative southern parents, which is cool as long as they don't complain to campus police and I have to extract revenge. There isn't much space left on the radiator.