Criminal Law Final Exam RACE REPORT

Executive Summary:

Hey, Criminal Law, SUCK IT.

Pre-Test:

You know that moment when your finger hits the edge of a piece of paper? And you're unsure of whether you have a paper cut, so just wait for blood to show up? That wait is law school exams, only the finger is your future and the blood is the inevitable descent into foot fetish prostitution that is COMPLETE AND UTTER LIFE FAILURE. So the pressure is substantial. But not as substantial as the 3-inch thick calluses resulting from our professional status if we fail.

Test:

My computer crashed last Thursday. This is understandable as karma only if some higher force actually witnessed what I did to those gerbils. Because we all know what one does with/where one inserts gerbils is not admissible in Criminal proceedings (wholly circumstantial), I wrote the crash off as an unfortunate twist of fate. With my fate looking like a dried out Twizzler, I entered the test room with my new computer. Turn on, enter the test application, and.....NOT RECOGNIZED.

/directly injects contents of inhaler into jugular

The gerbil just got caught in the crossfire.

Luckily, Aparchio (my friend in the IT department) resolved the issues. Whew! The tests are out, there is a lot of scary instructions, then the pressure begins. Of course, it is advisable to just imagine your fellow test takers naked in situations like this. Unfortunately, Duke has a very attractive student body, if you know what I mean.*

*What I mean is that I didn't type with my hands.

That joke was disgusting.....he will never forget.

I am not allowed to talk about the contents of the test under penalty of death (which is only slightly better than providing sexual pleasure to strangers through foot dexterity), but let's just say it was about Criminal Law. Did you ever watch Judge Judy? Or Matlock? What about Cheers? MASH? I heard MASH was really good, but I never got around to it on Netflix. Wait....what? Oh yeah, Criminal Law. Something, something, something else, or was it........MURDER??

/end scene

Long story short, it went super great. It is impossible to predict, but I think I did as best as I could, and limited myself to TWO jokes about Republicans. And that is change we can believe in. USA! USA!

On a serious note, hope all my law school friends that read this are feeling great. I root for each and every one of you. Except that one guy. But you're not that one guy. Though he might read if I included more references to the 17th century wardrobe of gentlemen.