9th overall and first in the Under-23 race. Also, got a sweet black eye for the effort. It’s okay though, and you should see the other guy. Mainly because he was a grizzly bear.
|Disclaimer: I am not calling my dad a grizzly bear.|
The last couple weeks have been taken up by the start of law school. True to stereotype, people are already stressing. This is like singing Christmas carols in July. During the year 75 BC. Anyway, the people at Duke are awesome, and have been very supportive when I wear spandex to Torts (side note—what the fuck is a tort??? I feel like that would be a good exam question). Left the law school late last night to travel to Western North Carolina for the 10k National Championships, and arrived without once being told to squeal like a pig OR asked by an inbred family to test out the efficiency of their chainsaw collection. SUCCESS. Woke up early, downed some coffee, Peanut Butter Panda Puffs, and a pickle (best. smoothie. ever.) before going to the race site. Any delusions of grandeur became diminished when they annocunced a bunch of guys with sub-14 5k’s. Well, little do they know that Bone Dreamcrusher once got a blue ribbon at field day. SUCK IT OLYMPIANS.
|Running past racial stereotypes.|
The course was clearly designed by someone who has had very intimate relations with various minions of the underworld (in his defense, Dick Cheney is a kind and gentle lover). After the gun sounded, you could tell that there was a group from Baltimore because they all ducked. Another group of 30 took off the front at a sub 5 minute/mile pace. Because I know the 2 main principles that govern my body (1) I have trouble recovering from a hard effort at the beginning of a race; and (2) I will do unspeakable things to strangers for Peanut Butter Panda Puffs, I let them go off down the mile descent. Moving up past a few struggling racers, I heard their unmistakable wheezing of death. Well, maybe not death, but perhaps the sound of a water buffalo giving birth to an oversized pineapple. At the mile 2 descent (after an uneventful climb), shit starts getting technical (which, in an odd coincidence, is also the title of my potty-training how-to manual).
Tip for trail descents: have a complete disregard for your personal well being. Using this approach, I fell under control into 12th by the rolling valley floor. Then, rocks came into play. One in particular was lying across the narrow trail diagonally, so I Dukes of Hazzard’d that shit and was in good position for the first serious climb. The next mile and a half is kind of blacked out from pain (the Lactic Acid Roofie kicked in), but I began to feel great by the final descent. Somehow I moved into 9th and saw 3 runners up the trail. I put my head down, trying to bridge the last few meters to the group when…BAM!! A tree jumped into my path and clotheslined me. Though you can tell I had a protein shake yesterday, because all that is left of the other guy is a bunch of woodchips and a really pissed off family of chipmunks.
|The one on the left clearly just went to Wal-Mart to buy candy for his windowless van.|
Picking myself off the ground, I realized that the lost IQ points are not something I can afford. Though, to be honest, a good hit in the face could only help my complexion. After accepting that getting knocked the fuck out by an oak was not my proudest moment, we came to the final excruciating up, known as the infamous Rock Climb. Over the last few yards, I was exhibiting the full-blown pain-induced STROKE FACE, which combined with the oozing eye would only make me an attractive procreation partner to certain species of banana slug (and I don’t like dating Republicans). Crossed the line feeling great in 46 minutes (yeah, it was a hard course) in 9th overall, first in the U-23, and 2nd in Not Stopping Believing (only because Journey will ALWAYS be first).
|Ladies.....no? Ummm, zombies....|
A little bit later, my awesome dad came to the finish line having won the 55+ National Championship. I am so proud of him. Especially because that extent of ear hair cannot be aerodynamic. Thanks to everyone for your support. The texts and emails are awesome, but just taking the time to read the blog means more than you can know. Hope things are awesome!