Christmas Stories

Merry Christmas! Hope your holidays are cheerfully jolly and/or painfully pleasurable, depending on whether you received nipple clamps in your stocking. Decorating Tip: Looking for a neat ornament? Try anal beads! Little Johnny will love the interesting shapes and colors, while Big John will love the opportunity to turn it into a Do-It-Yourself project. DISCLAIMER: Only applies if John enjoys masochism, which can be inferred if he watches Fox News.

Are you a secret dungeon-master? Prove to me you're not! CONSPIRACY.

Have you heard that it's snowing out there? How about this weather? DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS FUCKING WEATHER? Oh gosh, sorry about that, uninteresting people are becoming slightly pushier with their conversations starters. I actually love snow! But as I get older, and more introspective, I realize that nose hair is a fucking waste. Evolution: DISPROVED. I also realize that I enjoy the idea of snow more than the actual fact of not being able to move, run, or go pantsless to formal functions. Snow is like baseball or polar bears--sounds like a great idea to go to the game, or study environmental science. Then you find yourself an Orioles fan with bite marks on your butt (the unsexy kind), and you realize it would have been better to just watch football and major in political science. In this analogy, football is wishing it didn't snow 18 feet (approximation), and a political science class is a completely useless intellectual masturbation competition. That second part isn't really related to snow, but is a universal truth of a liberal arts education.

Actually, I'm in Florida visiting family! It is absolutely gorgeous here, with 70 degree temperatures and perfect visibility allowing for stunning vistas of swamps, trailer parks, and meth labs. Granted, I did see a stink bug the size of a Volkswagen, which was cool. Also, running without a distinct fear of extremity loss is awesome! Workouts in my grandparents retirement community are amazing as well, because I feel like the fastest human being alive. Passing cars during a tempo run is a uniquely empowering feeling. Especially after losing an arm wrestling competition to a stink bug.

I did not intend for this to illustrate the stink bug.

To be serious, things are absolutely perfect. Florida has some very unique habitats, which make for cool pictures and even better runs.

Taken through a wooden viewing area at a river full of alligators and manatees. Or that could have been a group of overweight retirees with dry skin.

It is so awesome to spend time with the family...to feel ocean water on my skin...to eat a quantity of oranges that are roughly the same weight/color as John Boehner.

Barbed wire shot against the brush.

Most of all though, it is really awesome to be alive, and all of the little things that come with it.

Little things do not include getting knocked over by a wave after taking a picture of said wave. Amazingly, the camera recovered from the spill overnight!

Wherever you are this holiday season, I hope everything is absolutely perfect. Be careful in the snow (for those in the Mid-Atlantic), under the snow (for those in the Northeast), or snorting the snow (for those in the film industry). Thanks so much for reading--you guys are awesome.

5 Best Runs of 2010

Because structured narratives are for elitist communists, we (the royal we, which I think means that I chop off the head of any of you that can't give me a son) are going to do some year-end lists. This is going to be fun! And informative! NOW DROP YOUR PANTS.

(5) Eastern Shore of Maryland, December

Yesterday cracks the list with a mixture of frigid beauty and desolate peace that encouraged ecstatic introspection. And, after that first sentence, also encouraged comically overemphasized dismissive wanking gestures.

Melting ice. Which is much better than melting Ice, after the unfortunate accident with an early 1990s rapper and a bunsen burner.

The trail meandered around a lake, informally jutting over fallen trees and through frozen creekbeds. That small feeling lurking in the back of my mind--am I lost?--served to amplify each little noise, and magnify each unknown undulation.

Interesting fact: I am two inches tall.

From leaves to snow and back in a stride, every step brought a wholly new experience.

Autumn crunch.

Most of all though, the idea that my parents were on the trail made the run a joyous celebration. Even when they are not by my side, I take them with me everywhere I go. Knowing that Mom and Dad, two amazing people to whom I owe everything, were tracing my footprints, changed a physically demanding run into a spiritually transcendent journey.

Life is pretty amazing :)

(4) Central Park, March

Running with awesome friend Brendan on a clear, frigid night, we came across 2 raccoons sitting attentively on the reservoir trail. Now, it was 7 PM and the park was almost completely empty, so we stopped for a look. Just then, a soft voice came from a bench beside the trail, "I am talking to them," she whispered. "I hope you don't harvest our kidneys, crazy lady," we thought. She went on to tell us all about conversing with raccoons, then ended the conversation by giving us her business card. "A Top-20 Clairvoyant in NYC!" it touted. It also said she gave massages, though I'm not sure if that was directed at people or the raccoons.

More than that though, I will never forget the skyline, silhouetted by the lurking feeling that my time in New York was coming to an end. It was just 8 miles, but provided a content closure to a frustrating four years.

(3) Walker Ranch, Colorado, July

Running with Lucho turned a bad day into one I will always cherish. I knew I loved Colorado--the places and things are one of a kind. But this summer, running with Tim or listening to live music in Nederland or walking the streets of Boulder, I realized that the people are what really sets CO apart. As I head back to start a new chapter of my life this summer, working at EDF, I owe a lot of that realization to the learning, laughing, and....well...living, experienced on this run.

I most likely took this while bent over throwing up.

(2) Eno River, December

First run with Megan, completely alone on beautiful trails in the middle of law school (and undergrad) finals. Even now, thinking about it with a smile on my face, it is impossible to ignore just how lucky I am.

(1) Continental Divide, August

18 miles through valleys and up mountains, along ridges and down snowbanks. Feeling small, feeling big, but most of all, feeling alive.

THOSE FLOWERS ARE FREAKING HUGE.

So here is to an awesome 2010 (/chugs almond milk)! Hope to see you on the trails (either those like the five above that are beautifully literal, or those of life hinted at in the commentary that probably seem pretentiously figurative) in 2011. I owe you guys so much for everything over the past year. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Booty and Change

Executive Summary:
We came. We saw. We conquered. Which is a much better order than seeing, conquering, and coming, because the horse did nothing to deserve that type of treatment.

Always in our hearts and/or crafts.

Pre-School:
We were told that law school has been called two things. "Soul-murdering" is one. "Dream-destroying" is another. The third is "groin-chafing," but you probably didn't write that on the test. What, you thought they meant "two things" when they said "two things"? You would.......you would. Your children would be lucky to get into Cornell. A SAFETY SCHOOL.

So with those expectations, we began class. We learned about the Socratic Method, whereby professors employ the ancient philosopher's method of making everyone in the room feel uncomfortable. Just so the professors know, when we answer "yes", and you say "What is another possible response?", the correct answer immediately becomes "You deserve an experimental colonoscopy via pineapple." At least Socrates had the common courtesy to make sweet, sweet love to his pupils. YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER MY NAME.

You can call me Lobster Dog. Or David. But I'd prefer lobster dog.

School:
But, after some initial hurdles, followed by the subsequent faceplants and the ensuing botched cosmetic surgery, we looked into the mirror and came to accept the disfigured man-beast staring back at us. Can we do this? YES WE CAN. Will we survive? YES WE WILL. What is this rash? MOST LIKELY HERPES. We found that law is pretty easy, that the teachers are nice, and that it only takes 6 Four Loko's to think like Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia. The gays do have an agenda! (takes another swig) And shouldn't it be Constitutional Law for women to dress in white so we don't get them confused with other kitchen appliances?

In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court decided it is okay to laugh at this picture.

Suddenly, finals began to loom. The fun and games came to an end. We only had a month to study for three tests which would determine whether anyone ever loves us for a reason other than that thing we do with the dog for 10 dollars extra. But the tests were pretty good too! Everyone did awesome! And the realization that strict grade curving means that the future would be brighter if your friend had an "accident" only led us to "contemplate" the building of a dungeon. Even if we built the dungeon, we would have provided copious amounts of lotion to put on their skin, and as a reward they would not get the hose again. TRUE FRIENDSHIP.

And now it's Christmas time. We can watch It's A Wonderful Life, and cry joyfully if we are Democrats, or condemn the Commie bastards if we are Republicans. Most of all, we can look back on the last few months, a few months when everything seemed to change, and realize how much things stayed the same. Even now, learning the law is not what we'll remember, but we will never forget the beauty of meeting new, lifelong friends. That in-class failure, or success, becomes a hazy dream, while sledding in the first snow will always be a clear recollection. And I guess that's the takeaway. No matter where this road takes us, the trip is what we'll remember. This is so much fun. It really is a wonderful life.

Law School, Racing, and Perspective

WOOO! At the law school, we are currently 2/3 of the way done 1/2 of 1/3 of the HARDEST THING WE WILL EVER DO. Which will then be followed by a number of fractions relating to how far we are from the weekend/vacation/retirement. Then comes death. SWEET, SWEET RELEASE. And it all depends on Thursday's Constitutional Law exam. If I fail, perhaps I will be immortal! Or something. Fractions confuse me.

Actually, this stuff is pretty fun. The same will go for those responsibilities in the future. Part of saying such aspirational generalities as "Life is amazing" is the acknowledgment that even the slightly less fun parts are still pretty fucking awesome. I wasn't sure what to expect coming into 1L exams; I mean, the horror stories! The sleep deprivation! The depression! And THE BEES...ANYTHING BUT THE BEES.

In reality, it's intellectually stimulating. It gives every action a purpose. And we don't have to wake up before 10 AM. Pretty fucking awesome if you ask me.

Anyway, raced on Saturday! The New Balance Reindeer Romp was a cross-country/trail 5k ran in conjunction with Girls on the Run, an awesome charity that provides mentors for younger female runners in the triangle area. Girls With the Runs, meanwhile, is just as worthy, but has a much harder time with funding. I blame Obama.

Won the race in 15:48, which I am super happy with considering the terrain. And I contributed to the charity by providing the girls with a lesson about albino-tolerance!

The area from my ankle to my hip works part time at Home Depot as an off-white to white colorscale.

To be serious, that race, and the Turkey Trot a few weeks ago, were completely new experiences for me. It has nothing to do with running really, but perspective. Running is an inherently selfish activity--we are testing ourselves, every step propels only one person forward. At those two races, though, I barely even thought about myself. At those two races, I couldn't wait to see the person waiting at the finish.

Hear those cheers! See that smile! A perspective of selfless joy empowers. A pound of uplifting chills counters every ounce of heavy fatigue. And after crossing the finish line, looking into her ecstatic eyes as she wrapped her arms around my sweaty neck....well, that type of beauty makes it almost impossible to think about myself.

Sunshine.

Thanks so much for reading! Only 3 days left as a first-semester law student :) Hope things are really great guys. You all rock.

Final Exam RACE REPORT II, The Empire Strikes Back

Executive Summary:
Hey, Civil Procedure, STOP......Hammer time.




Pre-Test:
Three days ago, I thought Civil Procedure was just the process after the paternity test, but before you found out if you made it onto Maury. Now, I know that is only partially true. There are also rules, and numbers, and shit. Like, lots of numbers. I mean, have you ever just looked at the number 3. Like really, really looked. It's boobs, man. Boobs.

There are also other numbers of importance, but knowing them is almost unnecessary because law school tests are open book. Seriously, what is up with this shit? I obviously graduated Magna cum laude from the school of hard knocks, so this is child's play. Also, do you know Magna? If so, what is her phone number?

So over the last 3 days, I taught myself the subject. DID YOU KNOW that the word "penal" is used all the time in the law?? HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO TAKE THIS SHIT SERIOUSLY.

Test:
The exam was actually oodles of fun. Our professor likes to make jokes in his questions, which is cool because it is only our futures, our eternal souls, and our ability to make it rain at the club that rests on this one test. Anyway, the forecast at the strip club is for a lot of moistness, which is only something that is good to hear in this context. Unless you are a carpet cleaner, in which case I imagine it is a win/win.

Long story short, it was a test. It was 3 hours. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It is a blog that may get sued by the estate of Charles Dickens for using his shitty opening sentence. I think things went super awesomely though, which is good because I just took another test, and I don't want to leave anything to chance.

Thanks so much for reading guys! Only one exam to go before Christmas :) You guys rock, and I hope everything is absolutely great!

Criminal Law Final Exam RACE REPORT

Executive Summary:

Hey, Criminal Law, SUCK IT.

Pre-Test:

You know that moment when your finger hits the edge of a piece of paper? And you're unsure of whether you have a paper cut, so just wait for blood to show up? That wait is law school exams, only the finger is your future and the blood is the inevitable descent into foot fetish prostitution that is COMPLETE AND UTTER LIFE FAILURE. So the pressure is substantial. But not as substantial as the 3-inch thick calluses resulting from our professional status if we fail.

Test:

My computer crashed last Thursday. This is understandable as karma only if some higher force actually witnessed what I did to those gerbils. Because we all know what one does with/where one inserts gerbils is not admissible in Criminal proceedings (wholly circumstantial), I wrote the crash off as an unfortunate twist of fate. With my fate looking like a dried out Twizzler, I entered the test room with my new computer. Turn on, enter the test application, and.....NOT RECOGNIZED.

/directly injects contents of inhaler into jugular

The gerbil just got caught in the crossfire.

Luckily, Aparchio (my friend in the IT department) resolved the issues. Whew! The tests are out, there is a lot of scary instructions, then the pressure begins. Of course, it is advisable to just imagine your fellow test takers naked in situations like this. Unfortunately, Duke has a very attractive student body, if you know what I mean.*

*What I mean is that I didn't type with my hands.

That joke was disgusting.....he will never forget.

I am not allowed to talk about the contents of the test under penalty of death (which is only slightly better than providing sexual pleasure to strangers through foot dexterity), but let's just say it was about Criminal Law. Did you ever watch Judge Judy? Or Matlock? What about Cheers? MASH? I heard MASH was really good, but I never got around to it on Netflix. Wait....what? Oh yeah, Criminal Law. Something, something, something else, or was it........MURDER??

/end scene

Long story short, it went super great. It is impossible to predict, but I think I did as best as I could, and limited myself to TWO jokes about Republicans. And that is change we can believe in. USA! USA!

On a serious note, hope all my law school friends that read this are feeling great. I root for each and every one of you. Except that one guy. But you're not that one guy. Though he might read if I included more references to the 17th century wardrobe of gentlemen.

Law School HAPPY FUN CURSING TIME

The descent into madness continues slowly, but with a sureness usually reserved for fat-ass tortoises and particularly bitchy little engines. Seriously, little engine, shut the fuck up. I think you can motor off an uncompleted bridge, and I was planning to keep that thought to myself until you started being an attention whore. Seriously, just join Twitter already and get it over with. In conclusion, little engine = ASSHOLE.

As you can see, law school finals are upon us. It is a wonderful time of year where spending time in the library counts as time spent scouting the enemy for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. I saw a Red Bull truck pull up to the law school, and fully expected a group of sweater-vested undead first years to overrun the cargo, while the slower stragglers resort to the driver's brains and those whose ascots slow them down even more to deep-throat the tail-pipe in the hope that the exhaust has some Red Bull fumes. IT GIVES YOU WINGS.

Just kidding, of course. Red Bull is not advisable to use as a study aid. I mean, those cowards should stop cutting corners and better invest in an eight-ball of Adderall before they find themselves on the wrong end of the bell curve. Neither Latham nor Watkins will hire your ass if you get a B+ in Criminal Law. Though that should be enough to familiarize yourself with the statutes pertaining to the jobs that B+ students get after law school. After all, it is not an open-book test when you are on the street corner in fishnets.

To be serious (seriously), things are awesome. My first test is on Monday, and I am super excited. It is so cool to realize that the current moment is one I will look back on as one of the best in my life. Maybe it will be 10 years from now, maybe 50, but the tingling exhilaration of such a definitional time is simply beautiful. By understanding this beauty now, I hope that recollection of the present will be accompanied with the same ecstatic contentedness.

Hey Little Dave, the Little Engine read the last paragraph and wants you to know that you will be a bitch when you grow up.

I will update after each test with a post-mortem (possibly race report style!). Thanks so much for your support, and hope things are perfect in every way!