30th Annual Run for the Oaks 5k Race Report

Executive Summary:
1st overall in 15:15. After the race, my bag was stolen from the start/finish area. Note to self: do not use a clear, plastic Target bag to conceal your wallet. Joke is on them, though, because I put my racing flats in there too. Unless the perpetrator has a WWI-style gas mask, all will be quiet on the western front after they take a whiff and experience complete nervous system failure. I use this method of defense for all my valuables. If anyone ever opens my safe deposit box, my senior-year football pads will destroy every living thing in a 20-mile radius.

"Also, I promise that you can all haz cheezburger. Unless you're on food stamps."

Pre-Race:
The last week was Spring Break! WOOOOOOO! Unfortunately, my partner-in-crime and all my law school friends skedaddled out of town, so I was left to work, to run, and to befriend beach-balls. It has been a full week, and the closest thing I now have to social interaction with other living organisms is when I vigorously scratch the lice in my stranded-island beard. Fortunately, I think they are about to gain sentience. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that head lice will vote for the Tea Party candidate.

Anyway, ran oodles of miles! Did frooples of work! Watched scazipoofles of online TV! Am currently unstoppable in Scrabble! Yeah, totally put scazipoofles on two triple word scores. NO. BIG. DEAL.


Anyway Part Two: Electric Bugaloo, decided to race so I could cash in some running store gift cards and once again experience the delight of Downtown Raleigh. Are the bars on the windows to keep you out, or to KEEP SOMETHING IN? (/ominous gong) (//fart noise)

I would have gone with "Puppy centipede".

Warmed-up, did dynamic drills (2 x squatting behind pawn shop), and toed the line. At my side was awesome guy and PA high school record holder in everything Paul Springer, along with past winner Brendan Howell. Also, there could have been dead people, but the little kid from Sixth Sense wasn't there to confirm. I think it's a safe bet. Though they were probably alive before they smelled my shoes.


Race:
The first mile was into the wind, then it did a loopty-loop with the wind, then went over a small river and through some sparse woods. On the way to Grandmother's house, Paul and I split the mile close together in 4:46. As the course turned, it began to do some climbing, and I got a gap. I feel as if I am getting much better at hills with some new training (go hard all the time, thanks Coach Megan!), and I had a nice lead as the lead police car turned down a side street. Suddenly, DISASTER STRUCK! 

Just kidding, it just felt like a dramatic lead in sentence. After another side-street climb, we turned back on the main drag towards mile 2. When suddenly, NOTHING EVENTFUL OCCURRED. MY CAPS LOCK WON'T STOP BELIEVIN. THIS IS HOW MY GRANDMOTHER TYPES. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME CHAMOMILE TEA BEFORE BEDTIME, DEAR?


Anyway Part Three: The Bad-Writing Empire Strikes Back, hit the uphill mile two a bit slower before careening back down toward the finish. Run for the Oaks is a pretty big, pretty old race, so it was really cool to hear the spectator support along the road. One person yelled, "Run! ZOMBIES!" which was my favorite thing ever. I imagine I would be to zombies what Limburger cheese is to humans. 


Crossed the line in 15:15, 15 seconds before Paul. Afterward, I was interviewed by two local TV affiliates. Hopefully it's not smellovision. 


Thanks so much for reading, and for everything else. And no worries on the wallet--losing it is really not a problem because my finances are so in the red that my bank automatically started a beef with the Crips. Hope your week was amazing!

UPDATE:

Video Interview below, from NBC 14, Carolina's News Leader:
http://triad.news14.com/content/local_news/654859/runners-try-to-keep-city-of-oaks-looking-beautiful
South Carolina beauty pageant contestants, HERE ME ROAR.

St. Patty's Run Green 8k Race Report

Executive Summary:
1st overall out of 2800 runners in 25:30. At the start line, a race official told the group at the front that the course was 5.12 miles due to a detour around road construction. The sound of a few hundred people audibly sighing in resignation is pretty disconcerting. I imagine that sound does not occur too often. Well, at least until next November 6th, in balloting locations with a few hundred Republicans. Romney/Rubio 201uuuhhhhhhhhhhgherghzzzzzzzzzzz.

First it was Salt-and-Pepper, now it is Just for Men: Handsomely Distinguished. FLIP FLOPPER!

Pre-Race:
North Carolina was beautiful this past week, with a bunch of itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot spandex days. On Monday, I didn't even have to wear tights for a 6:30 AM run! Which is good, because tights are pretty much just leg condoms, and Rush Limbaugh wouldn't stop saying that my knees were sluts.

This picture actually acts as contraception.

Anyway, things are going great, with a bunch of midterms in the books and a bunch of miles on the trails. With Spring Break here, Meg (fresh off running a 1:17 half-marathon at Myrtle Beach with the flu and a 102 degree fever!) and I drove down to Raleigh for their really big, really calendar-challenged St. Patrick's Day celebration. They may be 2 weeks early, but I like to think they are 50 weeks late.

The pre-race scene was a mad house, with a few thousand people milling about in kilts. Unfortunately, most were dudes, so the mirror on top of my racing flats just really made me crave tea. We got there late, so I did a 5-minute warm-up, some strides, and peed on a government building. Which one? Lets just say that "keep your enemies closer" isn't great advice for the Division of Waste Management.

My favorite joke when environmental interviewers ask:

"So three baby seals walk into a club..."

(/stare at them intently)

Race:
We started up a slight incline, and I decided to take it out easy. 8:15 3k'er Paul Springer pulled up next to me, and asked what time I planned to run. In the ultimate dick move, I told him I ran a 24:25 5-miler recently. While true, I was not planning on running anywhere near that on the hilly downtown Raleigh course, but I think the psychology of that statement made him unresponsive when I surged up the first hill. You've been dicked! Wait...no. OHGOSHNO!!!! /deletes furiously

The race had a couple hundred feet of elevation gain, which also means it had a couple hundred feet of elevation loss. And the last sentence means I was taught subtraction as a child. Thanks Mom! I tried to bound up the climbs, and fall down the descents. At times the downhills made me look like I was chasing the rolling cheese.



I was out of sight around mile 1.5 based on spectator cheers, so I really tried to push the pace until the big uphill at mile 4. The police escort was so cool! It was like the show Cops, but in reverse. Me and my copper pal reached mile 4 in 19:42, before the long grind to the finish. The course doubled back on itself, and some of the other racers had such amazing comments, and it really made me feel fortunate. Especially the guy who yelled to the cop, "I think he is going the wrong way!"

I am a dork.

About a quarter mile from the finish line, I could see Megan jumping up and down in the distance. It was super motivating, and I crossed the line in 25:30 for a two-minute win. But mostly I crossed the line for a sweaty hug. That is a pretty kick-ass prize purse.

Thanks so much for reading, and for everything else! A special thanks to the race director, and to the spectators--it was really cool to have so much support. And congrats to the Umstead Marathon runners! You guys are awesome :)